WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA
treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
4 comments:
Snob, thank you. As you say, each individual can decide whether or not they agree with any or all of this, but at the very least it's thought provoking.
It's good to stir the pot.
"We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come."
What does he mean when he says the States is a "one-way highway"? In terms of supplying money/aid/exports to the rest of the world? This guy should realize a couple of things. First, the US does not altruistically work to better try "help folks live a decent life around the world". The US does these things out of a large degree of self-interest. Ie, it helps the US to help the countries it chooses to. I do not suggest that the US SHOULD act altruistically -- I doubt many nations in the world do. Just lose the self-righteous crusader spreading freedom and democracy image already. Even campaigns to assist famine or other world disasters is self-interest to the extent it promotes a world community that provides assistance in times of need -- what goes around comes around (witness the outpouring of foreign aid to the US after Hurricane Katrina).
Second, the US NEEDS other countries too -- for instance, it relies on most of Canada's exports of oil, natural gas, and hydroelectric energy. (I think the figure is somewhere over 80% of Canada's resources in these areas go to the US). This means Canada need the US to buy those commodities, but the US sure needs them to keep its economy going.
Basically, the world is an interdependent place -- all of us need each other. We have complicated relationships and partnerships -- which is why no sane US president would ever deliver a speech like this. The flip side of living in a world community, is that one country can't decide to act unilaterally with respect to waging war on another country. If do, they can't be surprised when other countries register their objections to that country acting outside the systems set up to manage these international relationships.
ALL very valid points! Thank you for posting a comment! I love hearing the many different viewpoints.
Although it's a tongue-in-cheek piece of writing, there are inaccuracies in the flippancy.
He ought to take Mexico off List 2 and put it on List 1, because they were the first to cross the Rio Grande to offer assistance during Hurricane Katrina.
And where else are the US defectors going to go if Canada closes its borders?
;-)
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